Theory: Lara Croft is a vampire
I’ve had COVID, which means I’ve had more time than usual to play video games. So, I figured I’d replay the Square Enix Tomb Raider trilogy.
For the unaware, these are reboots of the famous Tomb Raider games that aim to be gritty, realistic, poorly-lit: everything you’d want from a post-The Dark Knight world. And while playing these, I’ve developed a theory: Lara Croft is a vampire.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Lewis, this is ridiculous, there are many scenes in the games where she spends time outdoors or handling religious iconography without bursting into flames or even sparkling. She can’t be a vampire.
But, as the famous occult documentary “What We Do In The Shadows” has taught us, there’s more than one kind of vampire. Colin Robinson is an energy vampire, who feeds on emotional energy, rather than blood.
Now let’s go back to Lara. We know she’s virtually immortal; in the opening act of the first game alone she falls from heights that would kill most people, sets herself on fire without suffering even a scratch, and heals from any and all wounds by simply walking a few feet. She can leap ridiculous distances, and scale mountains while carrying a small arsenal of weaponry. Everyone who tries to shoot her seems to suffer from a sudden case of Stormtrooper-aim.
The people who surround her though? Not so lucky. Almost everyone she meets dies terribly, their luck seemingly vanishing the minute they encounter Lara. So my theory is that, much like an energy vampire, Lara is a form of Luck Vampire. She drains other people’s luck, leaving them to die in her place. That’s how she maintains her long life and survives such incredible odds.
It’s the only answer, and I for one demand that Square Enix tell us the truth.